Tentens pregnancy glow
by Shezus
Summary: who knew tenten getting pregnant would be such a big deal. CRACKFIC. HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi people,**

**Alright… to begin things, for those people that are reading 'the night class' DO NOT FEAR. I will continue it. **

**To put it the simplest way I can put it.**

'**The night class' is like my husband, and this fanfic is like my whore on the side.**

**;) so I'll be continuing the night class… I don't know about this though o.0 I only did it cause I was really bored and in the mood to make fun of Hiashi. :P**

**Anyway, RXR **

**And I don't own Naruto or any of the characters or stuff**

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Hiashi glared at Neji.

Neji raised a brow.

Hiashi narrowed his eyes.

Neji looked around in confusion.

"Why am I here?" Neji uttered to the glaring Hiashi.

The last thing Neji remembered was innocently minding his own business picking out which shampoo to buy (always a hard task) and everything went dark. He then awoke with his head and arms on a table and he was sitting in a chair. He had opened his eyes and straightened up to be in a small dark room with a glimmering lamp on the steel table separating him and Hiashi who had been glaring at him.

"SILENCE! I ask the questions" Hiashi exclaimed.

"How long were you glaring at me waiting for me to wake up?" Neji raised a brow.

Hiashi glared at Neji "three days"

"WHAT?" Neji exclaimed in shock "THREE DAYS? I HAVE MISSIONS-"

"SILENCE!" Hiashi roared shutting Neji up "Neji… My favourite Nephew-"

"I'm your _only_ nephew"

"-I've heard confusing news" Hiashi continued ignoring Neji "Tenten… is pregnant"

Neji replied casually "oh. Yeah. That"

"Why did this happen?" Hiashi slammed his fist onto the table in outrage.

As soon as Hiashi's fist made contact with the steel table, his outraged expression turned into pain "DEAR MOTHER OF GOD-"

Neji raised a confused brow at the man.

Hiashi blinked noticing Neji's look "I-I mean… Pssht! I'm a MAN" Hiashi straightened his jacket "I can handle pain"

"You're crying"

"Tears of manliness Neji. Tears of manliness" Hiashi replied trying to smile as he hid his whimper and warm tears slid down his face.

"Are you sure? Maybe you should get that che-"

"SILENCE!" Hiashi interrupted Neji once more "as I was SAYING…"

Neji rolled his eyes.

"Tenten is pregnant. Why did this happen?" Hiashi asked through gritted teeth.

"We-"

"DON'T SAY ANYTHING! DON'T EVEN TALK!" Hiashi yelled before Neji got to finish his word.

"But you-"

"I SAID SILENCE! AND SILENCE I SAID!" Hiashi screamed sounding like a little girl.

Neji wiped some spit of his face with a sour expression.

Hiashi started sharpening his knife "We need to discuss things now that there's a little Neji in the uterus of a woman now"

Neji gave Hiashi a weird look "where did you get that knife?"

"From my pants pocket" Hiashi replied smirking.

"But you're wearing a robe" Neji pointed out.

"I SAID SILENCE FOOL!" Hiashi quickly thrust the knife right between Neji's fingers, where his hand had been resting on the table. Neji didn't flinch.

"Nice aim" Neji commented.

"I missed" Hiashi said darkly.

"So you're saying the great Hiashi Hyuga head of the Hyuga clan MISSED?" Neji smirked.

…

"SILENCE!"

Neji rolled his eyes.

_**Meanwhile…**_

"And that's how I figured out socks have no specific foot to go onto" Naruto finished proudly as Shikamaru face palmed and Sasuke looked at the moron as if ashamed to be talking to him.

"Wow" Kiba looked at Naruto as if he were a god "I-I … never knew" He looked down at his feet "this changes everything"

Naruto snickered "my reaction exactly"

The two idiots high fived each other and much to Sasuke's surprise didn't head butt each other while yelling 'GROOVY DUDE!'

"Sometimes I like to lie down on the floor and pretend I'm a carrot" Shikamaru muttered.

Sasuke looked at him funny "what the hell?"

"I just really want to talk about something rather than socks"

"YOSH! YOSH! YOSH! YOSH!" A familiar voice barged into the ramen bad dancing around and prancing in happiness, he held a basket full of flowers and was throwing them at all the customers, one of them hit some random kid in the eye causing him to cry in pain "MY YOUTHFUL FRIENDS! YOSH!"

Lee skipped over to Sasuke, Naruto, Kiba and Shikamaru merrily on his tippy toes "HOW ARE YOU?"

"Can you NOT yell? You're right INFRONT of us" Sasuke asked.

"APOLOGIES!" Lee continued yelling "HAVE YOU HEARD THE GLORIOUS NEWS!" Lee than grabbed the basket and threw all of the flowers at the guys as if they were some sort of weapons "TENTEN IS WITH CHILD"

Naruto sighed in depression pulling out his wallet and giving thirty bucks to Sasuke. Sasuke smirked checking the money to make sure it was all there. Kiba blinked in response, suddenly getting distracted by his socks again, Shikamaru sighed and threw a rice ball at Lee.

"YOSH! WHY DID YOU DO SUCH? OHHH! I SEE! IT'S AN EXCERSICE! HAHA! GOOD THINKING SHIKA-KUN! I SHALL RUN FIVE LAPS AROUND KONOHA FOR THE RICE BALL!"

Lee ran out of the ramen shop getting ready to run five laps around Konoha leaving Shikamaru to face palm, how was he that stupid? How was that even an excursive? Long ago had Shikamaru given up all hope on figuring out the strange ways of the strange creature known as '_lee_'

**Back to Neji and Hiashi…**

"I-"

"SILENCE!"

Neji gritted his teeth, he was so close to banging his head against the steal table and hoping his skull cracks and he DIES. Death would be better than this shit. Hell. Hiashi could make Morini Ibiki weep in distress.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE! YOU'RE NOT LETTING ME SAY ANYTHING! THIS IS MADNESS!" Neji finally yelled.

"Madness?" Suddenly Hiashi got a funny look in his eye "THIS. IS. SPA- uh – KONOHA!" He roared.

Neji massaged his temples. Go to your happy place. Go to your happy place. He thought.

In Neji's head he was sitting cross legged in a field of dead Hiashi's while stroking a hairless cat and he wore a grin so wide on his face it could rival the Cheshire cat.

"Alright Neji" Hiashi smiled "let's talk this out, I'm sure we can get you out of this situation, just tell me what happened"

Neji sighed "Well, we were at the fair and waiting in line to go on the roller coaster, and the line was really long… So we snuck under the hot dog stand and we had sex"

Hiashi laughed loudly banging his hand on the table, Neji raised an eyebrow… Was it that funny? He thought… Hiashi than sighed, looked at Neji and he wore a sudden look of confusion "Oh? I'm sorry I just remembered a really funny joke, what were you saying? I wasn't listening…"

Neji took a deep breathe biting his lip.

He held so much anger, it was one of those states where the anger was piling up so much, the only thing he felt like doing was bursting into sobs. Wow, Neji thought… Only one person's ever made me want to cry out of sheer stupidity.

**Flashback;**

"_Hey Neji" Naruto came into his room holding up his socks "which sock is the right one and which one goes on the left?"_

_A giant slap echoed through the streets of Konoha as Neji face palmed so violently he even bruised himself. _

**End of flashback**

"Do you want to hear the joke Neji?" Hiashi asked.

"Sure" Neji muttered violently.

"What did the chicken say to the horse?" Hiashi grinned.

"What?" Neji replied.

"Why the long face? AHAHA- ah… Neji…a-are you crying?" Hiashi asked with a weird look.

"Tears of manliness Hiashi" Neji whispered violently as he rested his mouth on his fist and his elbow rested on the table and the tears slid down his face "tears of manliness"

**~end~**

**Bonus: **

_Hiashi tiptoed into the supermarket quietly earning a few weird stares from the people around him._

_I must be super quiet and careful! Neji has 360 vision! Hiashi thought._

"_Hiashi? Is that you?" Kakashi's familiar voice asked sounding very confused._

_Hiashi turned around "SHHHHHHHHHHH! NEJI CAN'T SEE ME LIKE THIS!" Hiashi yelled._

"_I'm sure he'll never notice you" Kakashi muttered sarcastically "why are you dressed like a woman?"_

_Hiashi raised a brow "why are you dressed like a MAN?" _

_Kakashi furrowed his eyes at Hiashi's stupidity and sighed. Dear god he felt sorry for Neji. Hiashi wore a pink long dress and he wore a blonde wig with red lipstick and badly put on mascara. _

"_Because I AM a man?" Kakashi answered with a raised brow._

_Hiashi rolled his eyes and put a hand on his hip "WELL! If you MUST know! I'M TRYING TO HUNT DOWN NEJI! AND IF HE DOES SEE ME (you know 360 vision) I WANT HIM TO NOT RECOGNISE ME! SO I DRESSED AS A WOMAN!" _

_Kakashi didn't answer. He just walked away. So taken aback by this man's stupidity he couldn't handle it. Even with all his spent days with Naruto. It was just too much._

_Hiashi rolled his eyes and went back to trying to find Neji._

"_Excuse-me there ma'am?" _

_Hiashi turned around to see Jiraiya winking at him seductively "I was so captured by your beauty, I was wondering if you would like to take me out to dinner and then bed" _

_Hiashi blinked._

"_Jiraiya… It's ME Hiashi" _

_Jiraiya blinked._

"_$90 this never happened" _

"_Deal"_

_Hiashi went back to stalking Neji who was looking through the Shampoos as he dug his $90 in his dress pocket. Hiashi smirked. Perfect._

"_LIPSTICK ATTACK!" Hiashi plunged at the clueless Neji_.

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**R**

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	2. Chapter 2

**I got bored again… . . …**

**Yeah that's it *shrug***

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"So can I go now?" Neji asked Hiashi.

Hiashi up and down "will you remember what I told you?"

"A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the hips…?" Neji replied.

"NO THE OTHER THING!" Hiashi yelled.

"Don't trust strange men that want me to get in a van with candy unless it's a willy wonka bar?" Neji replied raising a brow.

"NO- well yes… BUT NO! You have to marry Tenten now that she's pregnant" Hiashi explained.

"Oh that" Neji shrugged "whatever, just get me out of here"

Oh how he had missed the sun. The beautiful gorgeous being that was the sun. The light. The wonder. He had taken all the worlds happiness and beauty for granted.

Neji walked down the streets of Konoha in utter happiness. Nothing could ruin this. Nothing.

"HEY NEJI! I HEARD YOU KNOCKED UP TENTEN! NAME IT AFTER ME!"

He was wrong…

Neji turned around to face the blonde idiot, his eye twitched in frustration… After spending the entire day with Hiashi and having to put up with his utter stupidity making him want to do horrible, horrible things to Hiashi and almost drove him to the point of insanity. He didn't want to have to talk to this moron.

"Naruto" Neji muttered.

"Where did you go? By the way where's Tenten? AND OH MY GOD! GOOD NEWS!" Naruto screamed in Neji's face "I figured out which sock goes where"

Neji grit his teeth "Naruto" he said darkly "if I hear one more word come out of your mouth. I will take this penny" Neji took out a penny he had in his pocket "I will kill you with it. I will shove it so far up your ass you'll taste copper, after that I'll skin you with it. I will use a penny to skin you. I will slowly and painfully shove this penny into your eye. I will than suffocate it with you. You will still be alive. And at this point when you're practically dead anyway. I'll kick you. I will kick you and laugh. Then. And only THEN. I will put you out of your (and mine) misery. And kill you"

A moments silence passed.

Naruto blinked "… wait where did you get that penny? It's so shiny…"

**Kakashi and Anko of somewhere…**

"Yeah so apparently that's why Sai constantly talks about dick-"

"DEAR MOTHER OF GOD! NEJI! STOP! DEAR GOD! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Anko and Kakashi looked at each other weirdly

"Did you just hear that?" Anko asked

**To Naruto…**

Tears ran down Naruto's face as he arm crawled across the stairs to his building using nothing but his pinkie finger and thumb. Sasuke Uchiha stood above him with raised eyebrow on the stairs staring down at the blonde crippled pile of yellow. He smirked.

"What happened to you dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"N-Neji… B-Bad… PENNY!" Naruto screamed.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow "… right…" He then smirked.

Sasuke leant down and grabbed Naruto's hands forcing them off the stairs with a sadistic smirk on his face.

"NO! SASUKE!" Naruto yelled in fear.

"Hey Naruto… Wanna hear a secret?" Sasuke asked him.

"Sure!" Naruto smiled eagerly.

Sasuke leant his mouth to Naruto's ear and whispered "I… killed… Mufasa"

"What?" was the last thing Naruto said before Sasuke let go letting the blonde fall to his doom… Ok not really, only a few steps in reality… But Naruto was crippled and he fell and passed out due to the slight fall…

**Back to Neji…**

Neji walked through the streets of Konoha, he was quite content with the way things had turned out… Now that he had experience true hell (Hiashi and Naruto's utter stupidity) he didn't take life for granted anymore.

Speaking of which… Where the hell was Tenten? He had to force her to get married to h- uh… ASK her to get married to him.

"Neji?" Tenten's familiar voice broke the silence.

"Hm? Tenten… There you are" Neji turned around to face Tenten. The mother of his child.

"Where have you been the last three days?" Tenten asked confused.

"Oh… I got kidnapped by Hiashi in his basement I think, where I was passed out for three days and when I awoke he interrogated me on my future plans and made me want to claw my eyes out with a pencil" Neji explained calmly.

"Cool" Tenten nodded "by the way, everyone knows I'm pregnant"

"okay" Neji commented "Anyway, Marry me"

"no" Tenten answered "now go buy me some ramen"

"What?" Neji was taken aback "why the hell not? I'm not good enough for you? THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID UNDER THE HOTDOG STAND!"

Tenten rolled her eyes "it's not THAT! If you want to MARRY me! You're going to have to find a fancy and awesome way to propose. Not just 'marry me' I WANT YOU TO GET ON A CAR WITH BALOONS AND DECLARE TO THE WORLD YOU LOVE ME AND YOU WANT TO MARRY ME!"

"… But it's the ninja world, we have no cars… I can… go stand on a camel?" Neji answered.

Tenten rolled her eyes "JUST DO SOMETHING FANCY!"

Neji sighed "fine… But you're paying for the ramen"

"Speaking of ramen… Where's Naruto? I swear I heard his voice before"

**Meanwhile with Naruto…**

Sakura and Sasuke looked down at the crippled body.

"So what happened to him?" Sakura put her hand on her hip looking down at the mess of a man.

"Something about Neji and a penny" Sasuke shrugged.

"Huh… So why didn't you help him or call me earlier?" Sakura looked at the Uchiha.

Sasuke shrugged "its fun to watch him struggle"

"I'M THE RIGHTFUL KING!" Naruto yelled out suddenly clawing the air as Sasuke and Sakura raised a brow at the idiot.

"What's that about?" Sakura asked looking at Naruto.

Sasuke smirked "nothing…"

**3 hours later…**

Neji sat across Shikamaru's dad as they both played Shogi.

"Alright… So why did you call me here?" Shikamaru's dad asked the Hyuga.

"I suppouse you've heard the news already" Neji assumed "Tenten's pregnant"

"Wha-? Tenten? THE tenten? YOU got TENTEN- yeah I already knew" Shikamaru's dad shrugged "what of it?"

"Well… In order for Hiashi to stop annoying me. I need to marry her. In order to marry her I need to propose. I already did that… But it wasn't good enough… And since you're the only Naruto character I know who's married… How did you propose to Shikamaru's mum?" Neji explained.

Shikamaru's dad raised a brow…

"Well you see…"

_**Flash-**_

"Wait!" Neji interrupted him "are we going into a flashback?"

"Obviously. This is an anime. How do you think we keep the plot line going?" Shikamaru's dad scoffed.

Neji sighed "Alright… Let me get some popcorn"

"Anyway…" Shikamaru's dad continued.

_**Flashback…**_

Shikaku **(AN: I just recently found out his name U.U)** sat across from Yoshino in the fancy restaurant.

"Is this good?" Shikaku asked motioning to the restaurant.

"Yeah" Yoshino smiled.

"So now?" Shikaku asked.

"Now's good…" Yoshino answered.

Shikaku stood up dusting off his suit and got to Yoshino's left hand side on one knee, Yoshina looked at Shikaku with fake surprise.

"Wait no. Do it on the other side it has better light…" Yoshino ordered.

Shikaku sighed getting up and moving to her right side where he got down on one knee and took Yoshino's hand.

"Yoshino…" Shikaku started "Please tell me if I do anything wrong"

"I will" Yoshino nodded.

"Will you marry me?" Shikaku asked.

"Say it louder and with more love" Yoshino answered.

Shikaku fought the urge to face palm and hung his head low, he finally raised his head and with a louder voice said "will you marry me?"

"Where the fuck is the love Shikaku?" Yoshino glared at her future husband.

Shikaku sighed "Yoshino my dear wonderful beautiful hunk of a woman… Will you do the honour of marrying me?"

Yoshino studied Shikaku "OH DEAR YES! YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!"

Everyone clapped as Yoshino put on her ring happily.

_**End of the flashback…**_

"You've got to be fucking kidding me…" Neji looked at the man with pity.

Shikaku shrugged "You gotta do what you gotta do to please the mrs"

"Yeah, but- … Ugh… I can never look at you the same way again… Fuck this shit… I'm leaving" Neji left in horror.

Shikaku only watched the young man leave with pity in his eyes… He would soon understand.

**Neji and Kakashi…**

"I honestly have no idea why I came to you…" Neji stated in confusion as he sat across Kakashi.

"Well… it's simple; you want my advice on proposing to Tenten" Kakashi explained.

"No I don't... You're not even married" Neji stated.

"I was once…" Kakashi muttered sadly as memories fludded his head.

"Uh… You were?" Neji looked at the man with doubt.

"Yeah…" Kakashi nodded "want to know how I proposed to her?"

"Sure"

"WELL…" Kakashi began.

_**Flashback…**_

Kakashi sat on the bench… Looking at her… God she was so beautiful. He wanted to hold her. And love her. And care for her. And make her make him a sandwich which would on result in him getting bashed.

"Kakashi? Why are you staring at her?" Shikaku asked raising a brow.

"She's so beautiful… I'm going to ask her to marry me… I finally know what love is" Kakashi answered smiling.

"Uh… Seriously?" Shikaku asked surprised "I hear Asuma's going to ask her to marry him" **(AN: and no. This isn't Kurenai)**

Kakashi's eyes widened "NO"

Kakashi ran to her. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn't run anymore (basically across the street to where she was standing)

He looked at her as she looked at him "Will you marry me?"

"What?" She asked surprised.

He grabbed her hand as his cheeks tinted pink and he smiled shyly "will you marry me?"

She smiled widely "OF COURSE"

Kakashi picked up the ring part of the coke can, and put it on her finger "we'll always be together"

"YEAH!" She grinned happily

_**End of flashback…**_

Neji blinked as Kakashi sighed remembering the happy memories…

"So what happened?" Neji asked "did she die or something?"

Kakashi shrugged "no… the next day we graduated kindergarten and it all went downhill from there" Kakashi suddenly looked angry "I swear she was swapping lollies with Inoichi"

Neji face palmed so hard he might've broken his nose.

**Half an hour later…**

What had been a few hours seemed more like days to Neji. He still had no idea how to propose to Tenten… What was he going to do?

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**REVIEW ;3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again… The boredom took hold of me.**

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"Neji… Are you sure about this?" Kiba asked weirdly.

"Of course I am. Besides… Do you have a better idea? Just help me on this camel will you!" Neji replied putting weight onto Kiba's shoulder while attempting to climb onto the bored looking camel.

"I don't know… You could've just taken her out to dinner or something, or a moonlight cruise with violins, and then put the ring in her champagne class" Kiba answered dreamingly.

Neji looked at him weirdly "are you high or gay?"

Kiba looked down "a little bit of both…"

"What?"

"Nothing!" Kiba replied finally getting Neji onto the camel "so why did you call me to come anyway?"

"You're the only one in this series that's good with animals" Neji replied sitting on the camel "Now… Help me stand-up"

Kiba rolled his eyes "do you realise how awkward this'll be if she says no?"

Neji scoffed "bitch, please…. She's the one that suggested this. Besides… I'd still get more action than you"

Kiba glared at the Hyuga.

Once Neji was standing on the camel, who was now chewing on some grass he quickly took out some balloons and coughed "where is she?"

"Don't worry man… I sent Akamaru to get her" Kiba replied.

**Meanwhile with Tenten…**

Tenten was casually strolling down the streets of Konoha with Sakura who was holding bags of clothes and other items they had bought at the mall, when Akamaru quickly ran to them excitedly.

"Huh? Akamaru?" Sakura uttered as the dog ran up to Tenten and started barking.

Tenten gasped "What's that Akamaru?"

Bark!

"Jimmy's stuck in the well?"

Bark! Bark!

"SAKURA! JIMMY'S STUCK IN THE WELL!"

"The hell?" Sakura raised a brow at the pregnant kunoichi "who the hell is Jimmy?"

Tenten blinked "I don't know. It just seemed to fit the mood"

Akamaru bit onto Tentens sleeve and started dragging her.

"Uh…" Sakura looked at her confusingly.

"I think he wants me to follow him!" Tenten said grabbing Sakura's hand causing her to drop her things and dragging her off after Akamaru

**Back to Neji and Kiba…**

"What happens if the Camel spits in her face?" Kiba asked snickering.

"Then you pay the price" Neji glared at the dog lover.

"What's… the price?" Kiba asked slowly.

"A penny" Neji stated bluntly.

"Oh… Pshht! I can pay a penny no probs, how poor do you think I am?" Kiba laughed.

"You won't be paying it" Neji stated once again.

"Huh?"

Suddenly barking was heard from the distance, and Akamaru came running into view, as Sakura was giving Tenten a piggy back. Sakura looked exhausted, sweaty and was panting like a dying dog, but strangely enough as Tenten got off Sakura's back she somehow looked more tired than Sakura.

"Dear god that was horrible" Tenten said wiping the sweat from her forehead.

"Yeah" Sakura glared at the girl "I can only imagine your pain"

"TENTEN!" Neji yelled causing everyone to look at him "WILL YOU MARRY ME? I LOVE YOU!"

Tenten blinked "…OH NEJI! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC- … I-Is that camel shitting?"

Everyone looked at the camel's ass. It indeed… was shitting.

"Uh… Just ignore that" Neji replied.

Suddenly a large noise was heard. The camel farted, only to be followed by that it spit in Kiba's face. Kiba scrunched up his nose and wiped the spit of his face with his sleeve.

"How… Romantic" Tenten muttered waving her hand around to get rid of the horrid smell.

Sakura coughed "you should take it… It's probably the closest thing to romance you'll ever get"

Tenten sighed "whatever. YES! NEJI! I WILL MARRY YOU!"

"Finally" Neji muttered jumping of the camel and accidentally elbowing it on the way down.

As a result to it being elbowed the camel did the most natural thing and started beating Kiba up since he was the closest living thing to it (since Neji was already next to Tenten)

"So… Since we're getting married, can I move in with you?" Tenten asked.

Neji raised a brow "you want to live in the Hyuga estate" Neji narrowed his eyes "are you sure? … Cause… You know… Hiashi lives there"

Tenten rolled her eyes "Pshht, so?"

"Why can't I move in with you?" Neji asked.

"Cause I live in a bucket" Tenten answered.

"… I'm not sure… If you're being sarcastic or serious" Neji looked at Tenten weirdly.

"You don't want me to move in with you? You don't want to wake up every morning next to me?" Tentens mood suddenly altered.

"… Not really, you have bad morning breathe" Neji answered honestly.

Sakura gasped in the background as Tentens eyes widened.

"Oh no he didn't!" Sakura put a hand on her hip and looked at Neji weird.

"Well" Tenten uttered "I may have morning breathe, but I've got a bigger dick than YOU"

"You don't have a dick" Neji answered glaring at her.

"I know" Tenten scoffed.

Kiba laughed in the background but was quickly shut up by the camel who then grabbed him by the leg and swung him into a wall.

Neji glared harder "I can only pray the child gets _my _brain"

"What brain?" Tenten retorted.

"The one that got me multiple episodes. How many episodes did you get?" Neji raised his voice.

Tenten gasped "WHY WOULD YOU GO THERE?"

"I'm just saying what everyone's thinking!" Neji raised his hands.

"AT LEAST I DON'T LISTEN TO ONE DIRECTION! WHICH WOULD BE FINE! BUT YOU'RE A GUY!"

Neji glared at the pregnant woman.

"Well? WHERE'S YOUR COMEBACK NOW?" Tenten asked mockingly.

"My comeback? You want my comeback? WHY DON'T YOU GO WIPE IT OFF YOUR MUMS MOUTH?" Neji retorted.

**Meanwhile with Sasuke…**

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows as he sat on the chair in the hospital room Naruto was in.

"I… have… a sudden urge to high five the Hyuga" The Uchiha stated slowly…

**Back to Tenten and Neji…**

Tentens mouth widened.

"Oh… Snap!" Sakura uttered.

Neji quickly realised what he said while Tenten was still standing across him flabbergasted. A silence covered them as Tenten was trying to figure out what she should do to her now Fiancé.

"Uh… Guys…" Kiba muttered causing everyone to look at him "can you please take me to the hospital?"

"Why can't Akamaru take you?" Neji asked raising a brow.

"He's… Uh…-"

Everyone looked beside Kiba to Akamaru who was currently licking his balls.

"-Busy…"

"Fine…" Neji turned to Tenten "I'm sorry about what I said about your mom"

Tenten sighed "I'm sorry for saying I have a bigger dick than you"

"How do we get Kiba to the hospital?" Sakura asked.

"Why can't he just ride the camel?" Neji suggested smirking.

Kiba's eyes widened "DEAR GOD NO! LET ME DIE! LET! ME! DIE!"

"I guess that's a no…" Sakura answered.

"I've got an idea" Tenten smiled.

**1 hour later at the hospital with Sasuke…**

Sasuke sat in the chair staring at the idiot in the hospital bed, he was lying there with drool coming out of his mouth and every now and then he would snort. Sakura had forced him to watch over him, since it was "partially" his fault he was in the hospital. But to cure his boredom and brighten his mood, he had already taken out a marker and drawn not only the word 'idiot' on Naruto's forehead but a dick at the side of the blondes mouth.

He now stared at the blonde idiot in appreciation of his art.

"WHY WOULD YOU LET A CAMEL ATTACK ME?"

Sasuke raised a brow as he heard the familiar dog lovers voice scream.

"I ALMOST DIED!"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed "My _you-got-hurt-and-i-can-laugh-at-you-and-you're-in-too-much-pain-to-do-anything-about-it-dumbass_ senses are tingling…"

Sasuke stood up and walked out of Naruto's hospital room into the hall to face Sakura rolling her eyes, Neji raising a brow and Tenten dragging Kiba by the hair.

"Wha- … The fuck? What happened?" Sasuke asked.

"He got attacked by a camel" Sakura answered instantly happy to see some one that wouldn't ignore her and appreciate- …. Well… He was still hot.

Sasuke smirked "I only wish I was there"

"By the way" Sakura started "How's Naruto doing?"

"Naruto?" Tenten burst in "what happened to Naruto?"

Neji smirked.

"He got beat up. Then SASUKE pushed him down the stairs" Sakura looked at Sasuke accusingly.

"I didn't push him. I simply let him fall while laughing. And it wasn't stairs. It was only two steps" Sasuke crossed his arms proudly.

"I wish I was there" Neji snickered.

"HAS EVERYBODY FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME?" Kiba wailed desperately as Tenten still had him by his hair.

"So how did you get him here?" Sasuke asked.

Tenten coughed.

"Well…"

**Flashback…**

"_This is stupid!" Kiba yelled._

"_Well… If we're fast we can still get the camel bac-" Neji started._

"_NEVERMIND!" Kiba interrupted him._

"_I hate this" Sakura muttered._

_Sakura was currently giving the dog boy a piggy back ride to the hospital, which wouldn't be so weird, but considering she was a girl… It looked weird._

"_C'mon! You piggy backed ME!" Tenten encouraged her._

"_I hate you" Sakura wanted to rip the bun haired girl to pieces._

"_So why are you doing it?" Neji asked._

"_Because" Sakura glared at the Hyuga "I have a heart"_

…

"_No, seriously" _

"_I WAS BEING SERIOUS!" Sakura yelled at Neji "that… and… if Sasuke can see how carrying and compassionate I am, maybe he can love me!"_

_Neji scoffed "the most you could get from him is a fuck" _

"_What did you think I meant?" Sakura raised a brow at the Hyuga._

_**End of flashback…**_

"Oh really? You said that?" Sasuke raised a brow at the pinkette who had a poker face on.

Tenten suddenly gasped "oh my god. I'm going to be a match maker? You're going to be disappointed she only wanted you for your looks, get all upset and walk away, she'll follow you and confess she truly loves and you'll kiss and fall in love and get married and have babies?"

"Actually, I was going to laugh" Sasuke answered slowly.

Kiba laughed as Tentens expression of hope instantly turned into disappointment and anger, but he was quickly shut up as Tenten kicked him in the spot the camel had punched. Yeah. Camels can punch.

"Uh? Excuse me… Can you guys not make so much noise?" A random nurse appeared infront of them.

"HELP ME!" Kiba shrieked making the nurse flinch.

"Oh… Oh my god! Are you okay?"

The others looked at Kiba and finally realised just how beaten up he was. He had bruises all over his arms, one of his eyes were starting to blacken, he had a few cuts on his face, his clothes were all crumpled and ripped, he looked like he could hardly move his right arm and his bottom lip was bleeding.

Sasuke laughed.

"What's so funny?" The nurse exclaimed in horror.

"He's so beaten up" Sasuke started to laugh harder at the image of a camel beating Kiba up.

"HOW CAN YOU LAUGH AT ME?" Kiba yelled in outrage.

Neji suddenly started laughing too "well… you WERE beaten up by a camel"

"HE'S IN PAIN! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" The nurse exclaimed.

"… A camel though" Sasuke snickered "I mean out of ALL the things… a CAMEL"

"Just take me away nurse" Kiba sighed "Just take me away"

"Uh… okay" The nurse looked at Sasuke and Neji weirdly before grabbing Kiba by the back of his shirt collar and literally dragging him away.

"So what were you doing with that Camel anyway?" Sasuke asked.

"He proposed to Tenten standing on a camel" Sakura answered for Neji.

The Uchiha looked at the Hyuga weirdly "on... a camel?"

Neji shrugged "it was all I had left"

"It wasn't that bad! He had balloons and on a camel isn't so bad!" Tenten grinned.

"It is when the camel was shitting while he proposed" Sakura muttered.

"Shut up!" Tenten glared at the pinkette "at least I'm getting somewhere with my relationship!"

Sakura scoffed and turned to Sasuke "and then it farted and spit on Kiba"

Sasuke's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and amusement

"OH SHUT UP!" Tenten huffed.

"Where did you get that camel?" Sasuke asked.

Tenten and Sakura paused… They had never actually asked where Neji had gotten the camel… Suddenly everyone's eyes were on the Hyuga.

"I stole it from a Gypsy"

"Really?"

Neji scoffed "no! I stole it from Kankuro"

"He's in Konoha?"

"He has a camel?"

"How did you steal it?"

"Yeah" Neji nodded "on a mission… And yes, he recently got it after his girlfriend broke up with him to comfort him on dark, sad, lonely nights filled with tears… He named it _caption fluffyBotox_… I just paid some kid to throw a rock at him and took it while he was off hunting the kid down"

"… Captain… FluffyBotox?" Sakura uttered.

"Yeah, I think he was stoned when he named it" Neji answered

"So you two are engaged?" Sasuke asked looking between Tenten and Neji.

"Yep" Tenten grinned while Neji just nodded.

Sasuke just sighed finally changing the subject "I should check on the idiot now…"

"I wanna see him too" Tenten said.

"Whatever"

Sasuke walked into the room as the others followed him in to see Naruto there sitting happily sipping a juicebox.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIS FACE?" Sakura exclaimed in surprise.

"What?" Naruto blinked.

"He drew on it…" Neji stated.

"WHAT?" Naruto yelled.

"WELL I KNOW THAT MUCH!" Sakura replied.

"Then why did you ask?" Neji replied.

"I-… SHUT UP!" Sakura glared at the hyuga.

"WHAT DID HE DRAW ON MY FACE?" Naruto exclaimed in fear.

"It seems to be the word 'idiot' and some… uh… either a dick or a badly drawn torch with the light fucked up" Tenten answered.

"It's a dick" Sasuke informed Tenten.

"But it has a light" Tenten answered.

"No, see the light is actually just the-" Sasuke was interrupted.

"OH MY GOD!" Naruto screamed when he saw his face in the window reflection "MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

"Calm down chewy… It wasn't that beautiful to begin with" Sasuke scoffed.

Naruto was trying to rub off the drawing with some of the juice he squizzed out his juice box when he suddenly realised. Neji. Naruto's eyes widened as he looked at the Hyuga.

Neji raised an eyebrow.

Naruto's mouth widened.

Neji looked around to see if he was staring at anything else.

Naruto's eyes widened.

Tenten sneezed.

"What's going on?" Sakura looked between Neji and Naruto.

"H-He-"

"Maybe you shouldn't talk" Neji interrupted "you're already injured. You could hurt yourself" Neji glared at the blonde.

Naruto whimpered.

****

**The end…**

**. .**

**review**


	4. Chapter 4

… **I got nothing to put in the author's note.. so yeah…**

**X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0**

**Meanwhile in Suna…**

"Why is he like this? Have you tried talking to him?" Temari asked her youngest brother.

The redhead simply looked at her and sighed "I did… He just kept muttering 'captain fluffybotox'… Is that code for a super important mission that went wrong or something?"

"… It's his camel" Temari answered as Gaara suddenly looked at her funny.

Kankuro now set in the corner of the darkened room rocking back and forth and crying like a moron making his makeup drip down his face.

"What do you mean… his CAMEL?" Gaara asked.

"He bought a camel after that chick dumped him, he bathed it, groomed it, brushed its teeth, read it bedtime stories… You were too busy being Kazekage but trust me I know, one time he wanted me to take a picture of him and the camel doing cop poses together…" Temari explained face palming.

"Oh…" was the only thing Gaara could say.

"He must've lost it or something" Temari rolled her eyes.

"Well" Gaara started "he's not going to be any use like this. You need to find out where he lost that fucking camel and you need to bring it back"

"Does it have to be alive?" Temari asked.

Gaara looked at Kankuro who was now wailing random words banging his head against the wall "… Yes… For the sake of his sanity… Yes"

Temari walked up to Kankuro "Kankuro… When did you last see captain fluffybotox?"

"ON MY MISSION!" Kankuro yelled.

"Where was your mission?" Temari asked stroking Kankuro's head

"KONOHA!" Kankuro sobbed.

"Alright" Temari sighed "Off to Konoha we go…"

**X0X0X0X0X0X00X0X0X0X0X00X0**

"I'm sorry can you repeat that?" Tsunade asked surprised as Shizune was trying not to laugh.

Temari sighed "I'm here… To…" Temari sighed again "find Captain Fluffybotox and return him to suna" She muttered the last part.

"And… who is this… Fluffyassed captain?" Tsunade asked wondering if she had been drinking too much again.

"… A camel ma'am" Temari answered bluntly.

"AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!" Shizune finally cracked up laughing.

Tsunade ignored her assistant "and how did you lose … this… camel?"

"We believe he was stolen ma'am" Temari answered.

"So… Let me get this straight" Tsunade started looked at Temari funny "you're here on urgent matter from the Kazekage, to retrieve 'captain fluffybotox', a camel which you believe was stolen or lost here in Konoha"

…

"Yeah, that's right ma'am" Temari answered.

"Are you high?" Tsunade asked "or drunk?"

Temari sighed "no… Sadly… I am not"

Tsunade looked at the sand sibling after a moment of silence (apart from Shizune's laughing) she finally spoke "do you require any assistance?"

"I request Shikamaru Nara"

Tsunade blinked "why?"

"He's the only one that'll believe me if I told him" Temari said bluntly "because he's met Captain fluffybotox"

A sudden look of realisation crossed Tsunade's face "OOOOOH… I get it"

Temari raised an eyebrow "get what ma'am?"

Tsunade just snickered "Captain fluffybotox… Of course. I mean I expected you to make up a better excuse… But it's all the same anyway"

"Huh?"

"Alright than, make sure to use protection honey" Tsunade just smiled at the shocked girl in front of her "seriously though. I've had enough of the baby making in this place, just to make sure you two don't get pregnant, I'll be hiding condoms everywhere you go"

"Bu-"

"WHEN YOU BRUSH YOUR HAIR! A condom will fall out of the brush. WHEN YOU EAT A SANDWHICH! A condom will be between the tomato and lettuce, unless it's a burger, than it's between the pickle and ketchup. WHEN YOU BATHE! A condom will be … uh… WELL IT'LL BE SOMEWHERE!"

"BUT-"

"SILENCE!" Tsunade yelled "now go find this 'mr fluffy ass'"

"Captain fluffybotox" Temari corrected.

"Whatever" Tsunade rolled her eyes "just get out of my office, I don't want any more horny teenagers in my office"

"But… It's only me" Temari raised a brow.

"Oh. Really?" Tsunade got up and pulled the curtain revealing Naruto standing there.

He blinked "what?" He laughed "THIS ISN'T WHERE I PARKED MY CAR!"

"WHY ARE YOU HERE NARUTO?" Tsunade yelled.

"… I've been hiding her for five hours" Naruto looked down in embarrassment "I heard when you fall asleep you answer questions honestly, I was going to ask where you hide all your sake-"

"GET OUT!" Tsunade pointed to the door "BOTH OF YOU!"

As they both exited and walked through the corridor Naruto turned Temari.

"So… Captain Fluffybotox huh…?" Naruto started.

"Oh shut up!" Temari walked off outside the hokage building.

"WAIT I-" Naruto sighed as he watched Temari walk off "meh, she can figure it out herself…"

**Meanwhile with Neji and Tenten…**

"And then I was like" Hiashi laughed "I would… But I'd have to pay"

Neji face palmed so quickly and hard the slap echoed through the room, while Tenten looked at Hiashi in a pity face as he just finished his 'hilarious' joke, everyone else around the Hyuga table just fake laughed.

"That… was… funny" Tenten commented.

"So… It's been two weeks since Neji proposed, any plans on the wedding?" Hiashi turned his attention to the pregnant girl.

"Well, we're planning for there to be a ring involved…" Tenten explained as Neji nodded.

"OH! I KNOW ANOTHER JOKE!" Hiashi suddenly yelled as Tenten buried her face in her hands.

"No wonder you didn't want me to move in with you… I prefer my bucket"

**Back to Temari…**

Temari was walking down the streets of Konoha asking everyone if they had seen a camel, causing a few people to laugh, some to walk away awkwardly and others to just reply 'are you drunk? No' She was currently leaving a route of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies in hopes Captain Fluffybotox would find them.

"What are you doing?" A familiar voice interrupted her concentration.

Temari turned around to see Shikamaru Nara.

"What does it look like?" She replied "tracking down my lost camel using Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies"

Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows "… I … was sent here to help you track down … uh… captain fluffybotox"

"Well don't just sit there! Help me track down that camel!" Temari shoved the box of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies into Shikamaru's chest.

Shikamaru looked down at the box of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies "this won't do. Do you seriously think Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies will get Captain fluffybotox to come out?"

"Alright" Temari glared at the smart ass "how do we track him down?"

"We'll go the library and figure out how to find the camel by reading camel books" Shikamaru explained while rolling his eyes.

"Fine!" Temari grabbed Shikamaru roughly and together they walked towards the library while eating Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies.

**Meanwhile with Hinata, Tenten and Sakura…**

"Alright Hinata, because we love you… We're doing this" Sakura started.

Hinata looked at the two girls weirdly "w-wait… Tenten h-how did you get o-out of lunch with H-Hiashi?"

"I just threw a few 'I got my period' and 'vagina' around and I got out easily" Tenten grinned while high fiving Sakura.

"Now" Sakura started "The whole you and Naruto thing" Sakura sighed "Sweetheart. We're getting seriously impatient. It's ridiculous. So we planned THIS"

"W-What?" Hinata looked scared and blushed.

"You're going to sing to Naruto how you feel babe" Tenten brought out a bottle of whiskey "We're going to shove this down your throat. By the way, I already chose the PERFECT song!"

"H-Huh-" Hinata was interrupted by a bottle of whiskey being shoved into her mouth forcing her to drink it.

**With Naruto…**

"So why am I here?" Naruto asked Sasuke.

"Sakura paid me to take you here" Sasuke sat down next to the blonde.

They sat at a table in a small bar, when just as Naruto was about to take a sip of his drink the lights switched off and it was totally dark.

"_Just go out there!" _

"_She's so drunk she can't stand, maybe it was too much?"_

"_Just shut up and be a good friend and shove her on the stage alone, clueless, scared and drunk!" _

Crashes were heard and suddenly the lights switched on and Hinata was standing on the strange blinking and looking rather dazed holding a mike. She looked at the crowd and as soon as she spotted the surprised and curios Naruto staring at her she turned red. But not because she was blushing. She was annoyed.

Suddenly Beyoncé's music started playing. The song '_Why won't you love me?_'

Hinata grabbed the mike to her mouth and instantly started singing while pointing directly at Naruto "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?"

Naruto blinked and glanced at Sasuke "I-Is she staring at me?"

"And pointing. And singing" Sasuke raised a brow.

"TELL ME BABY! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME? WHEN I MAKE ME SO DAMN EASY TO LOVE?" Hinata started waving her hips and on the last line purposely grabbed her boobs making Naruto choke on his own spit and Sasuke to freeze rigid.

"Oh my god" Sasuke muttered "did she just-…"

"AND WHY DON'T YOU NEED ME?" Hinata continued singing.

Sakura grinned while Tenten clapped proudly.

About three minutes passed until Hinata finally ended whipping her hair around ending with "MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT THE ONE…! OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST… DUMB!"

Sasuke snickered "she called you stupid"

Naruto had his mouth formed into a 'o' shape and was staring at Hinata in a totally new light… Tenten and Sakura high fived each other.

"Now… She's going to go back stage!" Tenten smiled "and Naruto will chase her and be all 'was that really all true?' and she'll be like 'yes… N-Naruto- Kun, I love you' and they'll get together and have sweet hot sex on the backstage until they get caught!'

"I don't think that'll happen" Sakura commented.

"Why not?" Tenten asked glaring at the pinkette.

"Cause Hinata just vomited"

…

"On Naruto"

…

"On his crotch"

…

"After laughing"

Tenten face palmed.

**Back to Temari and Shikamaru at the library…**

"Excuse me? Do you know where the Camel section is?" Shikamaru asked without shame.

Shiho (_The weird creepy librarian chick from Naruto that was mentioned for like one and a half chapters that was practically stalking Shikamaru_) suddenly shoved the poor librarian Shikamaru had asked into a wall causing her to break her arm and smiled at Shikamaru.

Shikamaru seemed to be unfazed about this, while Temari raised a brow at the crazy librarian, Shiho giggled at Shikamaru.

"What?" She asked.

"Where's the camel section?" Shikamaru repeated.

"Why do you want the camel sex- I mean section? Ahaha" Shiho smiled.

"She lost a camel and I'm helping her find it" Shikamaru motioned to Temari.

Temari looked Shiho up and down.

Shiho raised a brow challengingly.

Temari glared.

Shiho raised her head.

The librarian that had been shoved into the wall cried.

"And you are?" Shiho smiled threateningly.

"Twice the woman you'll ever be" Temari smirked.

Shikamaru glanced between the women "did… I miss something?"

"So what are you to Shikamaru?" Shiho glared.

Temari was silent

Shiho smirked "that's what I thought bitch"

"Huh?" Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

Shikamaru at that moment resembled a child watching politics, completely and utterly clueless and confused.

"Say what you want, bitch. But every time you try to kiss him, you tasting my pussy!" Temari whispered too low for Shikamaru to hear causing Shiho to widen her mouth in surprise.

"You wanna come at me? You fat cow!" Shiho replied loudly.

"I doubt you could take me!" Temari replied raising her hands challengingly "You had a chapter and a half, bitch I HAVE A FUCKING FANBASE!"

"Well of course you do! They're probably all 40 year old perverts with how YOU dress!" Shiho put a hand on her hip motioning to Temari's outfit.

"Something wrong with how I dress bitch?" Temari replied.

"Oh, you dress? I thought you just put on a random shirt and walked out?" Shiho replied.

"OH FUCK IT'S ON!" Temari yelled.

Shikamaru who was finally starting to realise a fight would break loose, he immediately grabbed Temari's shoulder and dragged her away as she was trying to get closer to Shiho so she could claw her face off.

"What the hell was that about?" Shikamaru asked after he managed to drag Temari away from Shiho.

"Uh…" Temari glanced around "she offended… my… vagina…?" Temari answered trying to find something that Shikamaru wouldn't question.

Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows, opened his mouth to say something then quickly closed it, after a moment of silence he spoke "when…? I didn't hear her say anything about… your…" He coughed "vagina" he muttered.

Temari blinked "a girl knows Shikamaru. A girl knows when another girl offends her vagina."

Shikamaru looked at Temari weirdly "… Let's… Just find the camel section"

**Ten minutes later…**

"This is all I found" Shikamaru through a child's book on the table in front of the chair Temari was sitting at looking through a book on mammals.

Temari picked up the book " '_Hamel the lonely Came_l' … What is this a guide to masturbation?"

Hamel the lonely camel was a Childs book, on the front cover it had a picture of a sad baby camel with a tear rolling down its eye, Temari flipped it to the back and read out the blurb "_the sad truth about how lonely children can get, let Hamel take you on the lonely journey and show you how to make friends_"

"I bet he's crying cause he's read it" Shikamaru scoffed.

Temari sighed "we might as well read it… It has SOMETHING to do with camels"

**Five minutes later…**

A tear rolled down Shikamaru's cheek as Temari tried to hold back the sobs.

"Keep reading" Temari whispered.

"'_It's okay', the owl said 'I'll be your friend, Hamel… We can share lunches and you can come over my tree_'" Shikamaru smiled emotionally.

Temari sobbed "Hamel's finally going to get a friend! This is so beautiful!"

"Wait" Shikamaru paused "_The owl lied though, the truth was… Ever since the owls parents had been killed by a drunk camel that faithful night in a car crash, The owl was planning to kill Hamel"_

"NO! HE FINALLY MADE A FRIEND! WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?" Temari wailed as all the other children in the children section looked at her weirdly.

"_Just as the owl was planning to slit-…_Isn't this supposed to be a children's book?" Shikamaru raised an eyebrow but then shrugged "-_Hamels throat, he stopped… Because he couldn't. He had finally realised what true friendship was, and as he stared deeply into Hamels freaked out eyes, he realised Hamels eyebrows were unusually girly… That and he was wrong, he COULD trust Camels. Just not car driving camels" _

Temari yelled happily "YAY!"

"_And they lived happily ever after"_ Shikamaru finished.

Shikamaru and Temari both sighed in content.

"That was beautiful…" Shikamaru sighed.

"Wait… Why did we come here again?" Temari asked.

…

"CAPTAIN FLUFFYBOTOX!" Temari yelled "WE FORGOT! OH MY GOD WE NEED TO FIND HIM BEFORE KANKURO TURNS GAY!"

Shikamaru looked at Temari "you mean he was straight?"

"Of course he was straight! WHAT MADE YOU THINK HE WAS GAY?" Temari yelled angry.

"… Well... He was acting kinda funny on the chuunin exams…" Shikamaru muttered.

_**Flashback to Chuunin exams…**_

"_I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT TO THE SECOND ROUND!" Ino yelled "I'm gonna go celebrate with Chouji leaving you totally unguarded with that sand sibling right there looking at you funny!" _

_Ino pranced off with Chouji making Shikamaru want to throw rocks at her. But sadly… There were nor rocks around._

"_So… I guess you're here alone than" Kankuro slid into the seat across Shikamaru causing him to gulp._

"_That you're girlfriend?" Kankuro smiled raising his eyebrows and resting his chin in his hands._

"_Uh… N-No" Shikamaru looked around nervously._

"_Good" Kankuro whispered._

"_What?"_

"_Nothing big man" Kankuro winked at him "mmmm… You've got such good muscles" Kankuro ran his hand across Shikamaru's arm "you must work out a lot…"_

"_Uh…" Shikamaru slid further across the seat out of Kankuro's reach "not… really…"_

_Suddenly Kankuro grabbed the liquorice that was in the middle of the table in the bowl and made a kissy face at Shikamaru who know stared at Kankuro with a poker face. Kankuro slowly put the liquorice in his mouth, chew on it a bit, and pulled it out again and it came out in the shape of a love heart._

_**End of the flashback…**_

"You must've been imagining things" Temari rolled her eyes.

"Yeah" Shikamaru shuddered remembering the horrid memory "imagining things"

"So how do we get the camel?" Temari sighed.

"Why don't you just do what happened in the book?" A random kid appeared from behind Shikamaru's seat.

"What do you mean? Invite him to our tree?" Temari rolled her eyes.

"No… Why don't you just dress up as an Owl?" The kid shrugged.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes fully understanding how absurd the idea was totally unaware of Temari behind him who was widening her eyes as if she had just heard the most brilliant idea in her life.

"OF COURSE! WE'LL DRESS UP AS OWLS!" Temari grinned running off to the costume store.

"She… does know I was being sarcastic right?" The kid asked slowly.

Shikamaru sighed.

"Shikamaru? Oh… I didn't know you were here"

Suddenly Shikamaru turned to see Shiho sitting there without her glasses with a face caked in makeup and clothes that would only fit on a five year old.

Shikamaru looked at her "bye…"

"WAIT!" Shiho yelled chasing Shikamaru "LET ME LOVE YOU!"

**X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0**

… **Review … please… . **


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright. I finally have something to put in my authors note.**

**Thank you for the people who reviewed… Keep reviewing and more chapters will come out **

… **. .**

**Yeah that's it…**

**X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0**

**Meanwhile with Neji and Tenten…**

"You did _what_?" Neji's eye twitched a little as Tenten laughed nervously in front of him.

Tenten, Neji, Hinata and Sakura were currently in the bar's female toilets, Neji had come into the bar to drink away all his troubles (Hiashi's bad jokes) when ironically it had been the same bar that the others were in, thus he had witnessed Tenten and Sakura dragging (literally) Hinata off the stage by her arms as she left a trail of drool behind her.

In the background Hinata continued vomiting in the toilet as Sakura held her hair back.

"You don't understand… it NEEDED to be done!" Tenten answered "unlike you and me. Naruto and Hinata need a little push"

"I think there was plenty of pushing on your part" Sakura muttered.

Neji sighed "so where's Naruto?"

"Uh…. I don't know" Tenten coughed "but… If he didn't get the message with that song. Then he's dumber than a Turtle in winter!"

Neji furrowed his eyebrows "a turtle in winter?"

Tenten was just about to answered when the door slowly opened, and standing in the door way was none other than Sasuke Uchiha, he stood there with a smirk plastered on his smug face.

"What the hell are you so happy about?" Neji glared at the Uchiha.

"Not only did I witness Hinata Hyuga sing a sexual song drunk. But I also witnessed Naruto Uzumaki not only speechless, but afterword's you vomited on him… He ran off like a girl… Literally" Sasuke's face suddenly became serious "he runs like a fairy. You should see it. It's funny shit"

"HE RAN OFF?" Hinata wailed "I WAS SAVING HALF MY VIRGINITY FOR HIM!"

"Relax I'm sure he—wait, HALF your virginity?" Sasuke looked at the hyuga girl in surprise.

Everyone looked at Hinata who was looked back at them awkwardly "I'M DRUNK! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING! NOW SHUT UP AND TAKE OF YOUR PANTS! I WANT TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS!" Hinata pointed at Sasuke's crotch causing him to blink.

Sakura glared at the girl "just shut up and go back to vomiting!" Sakura then forced Hinata's head into the toilet.

"So where did Naruto go?" Neji asked the Uchiha.

Sasuke shrugged "I don't know… I just came here to watch you guys and snicker"

"I thought you'd laugh?" Tenten raised an eyebrow.

Sasuke glared "Hey. I have an image to keep up honey. One smile and it all goes down the drain"

"But you were willing to smile before with the whole Sakura giving Kiba a piggyback" Neji pointed out.

"Yeah… But that involved someone getting hurt" Sasuke shrugged "Unless some ones bleeding or crying… Hn"

The door suddenly slammed open and a flash of yellow was seen, next thing everyone knew Naruto was standing proudly in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips grinning.

"I'VE COME TO A DECISION!" Naruto yelled.

Everyone turned to Naruto including Hinata who's head was now half covered in toilet water.

"Hinata" Naruto grinned at her "you must bear my sons!"

Hinata looked at Naruto with widened eyes, and was about to say something but ended up gurgling out some more toilet water and spitting all over Sakura's face. Tenten gasped and smiled happily while taking out her ninja phone (yeah. In my fanfic. They have those) and taking a picture of the beautiful moment. The photo was great, she thought… Hinata kneeling at the toilet with some vomit on her lip, Sakura still holding onto Hinata's hair with spit and toilet water all over her face, Naruto looked at Hinata proudly with a big vomit stain on his crotch, Neji leaning on the wall for support trying to process what just happened, and Sasuke- …. Sasuke was smirking at the photo; winking and his hair looked as if some wind was passing through it.

"What the- How did you do that? I swear you were picking your nose when it was taken!" Tenten accused the Uchiha.

Sasuke shrugged "No matter what pose I'm in at the time, I always end up looking the same in the photo… I'm like the Barney Stinson of Naruto"

Tenten glared at Sasuke "we'll settle this in the next chapter"

"what did you just say?" Neji glared at the blonde as if he was a spawn from hell.

"I want Hinata to bear my sons!" Naruto yelled proudly "… Uh.. that is unless you want daughters" Naruto looked at Hinata "it's okay, we can dress them up as boys until they hit puberty, then we can just wipe away their memory, move to another village and when looking back at the photos we can just say it was their long lost dead twin brother!" Naruto thumbed the girl up.

"N-Naruto kun… That's so beautiful" Hinata's eyes welled up with tears and she quickly snapped her head in another direction "I-I didn't know… You were so romantic!"

Sakura squinted her eyes and widened her mouth at Naruto's stupidity, Tenten stopped taking photos and Neji was speechless.

Naruto laughed "Well… You know, people do say I'm practically a poet!"

Hinata shook her head slow motion giving Sakura's hand whiplash, she stood up in slow motion and ran to Naruto with widened arms as Naruto widened his arms and grinned running to her equally slow. This sequence followed for a few minutes as everyone in the background raised a brow or reacted some way or another in normal time.

As Naruto and Hinata hugged, Hinata suddenly yelled out "Naruto! DON'T EVER LOVE ANOTHER GIRL!"

"Of course I will!" Naruto yelled in return.

Hinata gasped "and she'll be a child and will call me mummy?"

Naruto laughed "ahaha! No! You have to die eventually!"

"What?" Hinata paused.

"Shhhhhh! We're in a moment" Naruto whispered hugging Hinata tighter.

**Meanwhile in a field somewhere…**

"This is stupid!" Shikamaru uttered through gritted teeth.

"JUST SHUT UP AND BE AN OWL!" Temari yelled.

"Why do **I** have to be the OWL?" Shikamaru exclaimed in anger.

Shikamaru stood in the field wearing an owl costume, it was hot, itchy and smelled. He could hardly mouth his feet and every time he moved his arms he felt something move inside the costume which kind of freaked him out.

"I'm wearing an owl costume too!" Temari retorted.

"YOU'RE WEARING A PAPER STICKY TAPED TO YOUR SHIRT WITH '_OWL_' WRITTEN ON IT!" Shikamaru yelled.

Temari rolled her eyes "just shut up and hoot"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, sighed and gave up.

"Hoot" Shikamaru uttered in the most mono tone voice ever mustered.

"!" Temari yelled causing Shikamaru to glare at her.

"That's not now you hoot!" Shikamaru said.

Temari rolled her eyes "shut the hell up and let me hoot my own way"

Shikamaru glared at the blonde but went back to hooting.

"Hoot"

"!"

"Hoot"

"!"

"Hoot..."

"" Temari gasped "!"

"… Hoot…?" Shikamaru raised a brow at Temari.

"_Camel"_

"What was that?" Temari asked looking at Shikamaru.

"_Camel"_

"There it is again!" Temari exclaimed.

"Keep hooting!" Shikamaru ordered.

"!"

"Hoot"

"_CAMEL" _

"I think it was the camel!" Temari exclaimed.

"Either that or some other strange creature that makes the noise 'camel' …" Shikamaru stated sarcastically.

"Which could it be?" Temari asked herself deep in thought as Shikamaru face palmed.

"CAPTAIN FLUFFYBOTOX?" Shikamaru yelled "IS THAT YOU?"

"… _Camel…?" _

Suddenly a camel came out from the trees and looked at Shikamaru and Temari, it was indeed Captain Fluffybotox… But he wasn't the same, this time he had tribal markings on his face and a nose piercing… He even had a had made out of leaves and looked much more… dare I say? Manlier… or in this case… Camel…ie…r…? Shikamaru and Temari looked at each other strangely.

"Captain Fluffybotox?" Temari uttered "is… that you…?"

Suddenly more camels came from behind him all wearing some sort of tribal markings and piercings behind Captain Fluffybotox.

Temari put a hand to her mouth in surprise and tried to take a step towards him but was quickly stopped by Shikamaru who held her back with his "wings"

"He's one of them now… There's nothing we can do" Shikamaru stated "I doubt he remembers us"

Tears welled up in Temari's eyes "no… He knows… Some where in his heart… he KNOWS"

Temari walked up to captain Fluffybotox and stared him straight in the eyes.

_From the Camels POV._

"_What the hell is this chick doing?" One of the back camels asked._

"_Shut up George!" Another camel silenced him "she looks pretty hot for a human"_

"_Did she just call you 'Captain Fluffybotox?" A random camel asked Captain fluffybotox._

"_Captain Fluffybotox is dead… I was born again… I am now… Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Jack Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus … Senior" Captain Fluffybotox replied "and I WILL LEAD OUR TRIBE TO THE WATER HOLE!" _

"_Why can't we just go to the drink taps they have at the zoo? They're closer and easier"_

"_FOR GODS SAKE GOERGE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Captain fluffybotox snorted "one more move and I swear to god I'm kicking you out so fast you won't have time to spit!" _

_George looked down in shame… Why is it everything he did went wrong?_

"_Captain Fluffybotox… Kankuro needs you" Temari uttered slowly._

"_Who the hell is Kankuro?"_

"_FOR FUCKS SAKE GEORGE SHUT THE HELL UP! NO ONE LIKES YOU!" Captain fluffybotox snorted again._

"_I… It was me… Frank" Frank answered quietly._

"_Oh" Captain Fluffybotox blinked "… He's just some human idiot used to hang around me all day… He was totally my bitch"_

"_I remember all those times you would follow Kankuro around" Temari started._

_The other camels looked at Captain Fluffybotox "Uh… H-He paid me yeh know…"_

"_And all those times you would hug him!" Temari continued_

"_Uh… I WAS TRYING TO MUG HIM AND THEY TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY!" _

"_Those karaoke nights you two used to go on…" Temari sighed_

"_THERE WAS FREE FOOD!" _

"_I remember you used to do a duet of no air by jordi-" _

_Temari was interrupted as Captain Fluffybotox spit on her face._

_BACK TO NORMAL…_

Temari gasped wiping the spit off her face "HE JUST SPIT ON MY FACE!"

Shikamaru raised a brow pulled Temari back as she was about to strangle captain fluffybotox.

"What are we going to do? Captain Fluffybotox obviously isn't going to leave…" Shikamaru said as the camels ran off into the wild sunset where there was no law of man… simply the wild call of Mother Nature… Haha jokes, they'd probably get killed and turned into ninja food.

**Half an hour later…**

Temari chugged down another bottle of sake "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? HOW CAN I GO BACK TO KANKURO WITHOUT THAT FUCKING CAMEL?"

Shikamaru sat next to her equally drunk "don't go back… He'll only harass you. Besides, that camel's FREE now!"

Temari leaned on Shikamaru's shoulder "but I can't go back… He'll never talk to me again"

"Don't go back you shithead! THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID!" Shikamaru exclaimed.

"But… I need a REASON to stay!" Temari wailed waving her arms in the air.

"Just say you need to help Tenten with the baby thing, and until its born you can't leave! By the time you get back he'll have forgotten about Captain Fluffybotox" Shikamaru explained.

"Tentens pregnant?"

"Wow" Shikamaru sighed "you're really socially retarded…"

"THAT'S A GREAT PLAN!" Temari yelled happily "Thank you!" Temari kissed Shikamaru on the lips causing him to freeze "even when you're drunk you're a genius… And now I need to vomit"

**Back to Neji and Tenten…**

"So what are you going to do about Naruto knocking Hinata up?" Tenten asked Neji as they sat next to each other in the bar Hinata had previously vomited on Naruto in.

"It hasn't happened yet!" Neji narrowed his eyes "there's still hope… I'll tell Hiashi"

Tenten snickered "so he can make another HALLLLLLAARIIIUSS joke about it?"

Neji grunted.

"Hey Neji!" Tenten mimicked Hiashi lowering her voice "What did the cat say to the jewellery maker?"

Neji rolled his eyes "Please Hiashi. Do tell"

"PUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR-fect" Tenten snickered as Neji scoffed.

Suddenly Sasuke pulled up a chair next to Neji.

"Hyuga"

"Uchiha"

"Why are you here?" Tenten moved her head forward to get a better look at Sasuke.

"Well… Since you're pregnant, I thought- I have no life. Nothing to do. No Naruto to mock" Sasuke shrugged "bartender gimme some sake!"

"There you are! TENTEN!" Sakura's voice chimed in as she took a seat next to Tenten "can I be your baby's godmamy?"

Tenten looked at the pinkette "I don't know… Maybe… Hinata really wants to be the godmom"

"TENTEN!" A loud female voice called sounding drunk from the door "YOU ARE WITH CHILD! LET ME LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT GIRL LOVES CAKE!"

"Don't yell woman!" Another voice chimed in

"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID WHEN YOU WERE MAKING SWEET LOVE TO ME LAST NIGHT!" Temari retorted causing every guy to turn to the pair, look Temari up and down and all either thumbs up, smirk, or give an approving look to Shikamaru.

Shikamaru just dragged the drunk woman towards Tenten and Neji.

"Sorry she's drunk… We were looking for the camel, things went wrong…" Shikamaru sighed.

"Camel?" Neji coughed "What camel?"

"KANKURO LOST HIS CAMEL!" Temari yelled "HE'S BEEN WAILING AND SCREAMING EVER SINCE!"

"Who could've done that?" Neji muttered as Tenten rolled her eyes.

Shikamaru took a seat next to Neji as Temari gripped onto Shikamaru's arm taking the seat next to him.

"SHINO! I FEEL SO HEALTHY! SO VIBRANT! IF ANYTHING THAT BEATING HEL- OOOOOOH! SHIKAMARU! TEMARI! SASUKE! SAKURA! TENTE- …. Oh… Tenten… Neji…" Kiba's expression changed from excited to tired as soon as he saw the too causing Shino to raise an eyebrow at the dog lover.

"Greetings" Shino stated as he pulled Kiba over and sat next to Sakura.

"I MISS THAT FUCKING CAMEL! KANKURO WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVED HIM!" Temari wailed sobbing into Shikamaru's shoulder.

Kiba's eyes widened "C-Camel…?"

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD!" A girly voice screeched causing everyone to block their ears "TENTEN!" Ino ran to the pregnant girl hugging her tightly "ICANTBELIEVEYOU'REACTUALLYPREGNANTI'!"

"Ino… Maybe we should sit down" Chouji pulled Ino off Tenten and into a chair next to Shino.

"So we're all here…" Sakura stated.

"No!" Tenten exclaimed "There's still Naruto. Hinata and Lee!"

Suddenly the lights went out and everything went silent.

"Oh god no!" Tenten complained "I know where this is going"

Suddenly the spot light came on, and Naruto and Hinata were on stage holding hands, they both raised their held hands, Hinata blushed and Naruto grinned holding the mike up to his mouth.

"THIS IS TO DEDICATE TO OUR LOVE!" he yelled "SHE SHALL BEAR MY SONS!"

Hinata put her mike up to her mouth "or girls that w-we'll dress as guys u-until they h-hit p-puberty"

"HIT IT LEE!" Naruto pointed to a spot on the stage where a piano was suddenly pushed.

The piano was dark green and sitting on the edge was Lee, happy and youthful as ever wearing a light green suit and matching hat. Before playing the song he suddenly yelled out "YOSH!" and started playing 'I got you babe' by Sonny and Cher.

"_They say we're young and we don't know!"_ Hinata sang _"we won't find out until we grow!"_

The audience awed at Hinata's innocent sweet voice singing softly.

"_WELL I DON'T KNOW IF ALL THAT'S TRUE!"_

"sonofa-!" Kiba blocked his ears wincing "I JUST recovered!"

Everyone else either winced, flinched or cried.

"_CAUSE YOU GOT ME! AND BABY I GOT YOU! BABE!"_

"_I got you! I got you babe!"_ Hinata blushed at Naruto who just grinned thumbing her up.

Tenten sighed next to Neji as Naruto and Hinata continued singing badly.

"This is going to be one hell of a nine months" Neji stated.

"I only feel sorry for the child having to come into the world with that" Tenten motioned to the stage.

Naruto was grabbing Hinata by the waist and attempting to throw her in the air as a declaration of love while singing _"I GOT FLOWERS IN THE SPRING! I GOT YOU TO WEAR MY RING!"_

Tenten face palmed as Neji sighed.

"On the bright side you can crack at it Hiashi's repulsively bad jokes and blame it on the hormones" Neji commented.

"That's good" Tenten sighed.

"Wanna leave?" Neji asked.

"Please yes" Tenten answered as they both quickly ran for the door.

"WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?" Naruto yelled while the song was having an instrumental moment.

The spotlight quickly changed to Neji and Tenten at the door, Neji was half way opening the door and Tenten was half way leaving it. Everyone stared at them as if saying 'if we have to hear this torture. So do YOU!'

"We're… Going… to…" Tenten started.

"HIPPIE MUSIC IS BAD FOR THE BABY!" Neji yelled and shoved Tenten out the door.

****

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	6. Chapter 6

**It's been a long time since I added anything to this. Mostly because I haven't been bored or high enough to… But here it is, and no. this isn't suppoused to make sense.**

**Even though it doesn't get many reviews, I still love this fanfic :') **

**Speaking of which**

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><p>All the Akatsuki members currently hid behind a small bush infront of the gates of Konoha, as requested by pein himself. They were horrible at hiding, especially Kisame, who was muttering things about how 'bullshit' this was.<p>

"I don't understand why we're he-"

"Shut up Deidara! No one loves you. You will die a lonely, miserable, meaningless death filled with nothing but failure"

Deidara was like the George of Akatsuki.

"Actually, that was me, Konan" Konan said raising a brow at Hidan

"Oh" Hidan changed instantly "I'm so sorry, it's just your voice is so feminine I assumed it was Deidara's-"

"HEY!"

"-, that was my mistake. You look lovely this evening Konan. Did you do something different with your hair?"

"I washed it."

"It looks as radiant and beautiful as a mountain of dead corpses lying bloodily by my feet as the screams of children and widowed wives and mothers falling to their knees in my ears in the background, full of agonizing mourn"

Since Konan was the only woman in Akatsuki, everyone was trying to get in with her. Some though had already given up and turned gay, like Kakusu. Indeed, the only thing he loved more than money was dick. And sadly for Deidara (since he looked the most like a girl, apart from Konan) he was always the victim.

"Don't listen to him Dei-Dei!" Kakusu cooed uncomfortably in the blonde's ear "he knows nothing"

"Please stop"

"Everyone!" A clap was heard and all the Akatsuki's members attention was turned to Pein who stood in front of the bush not trying to hid himself at all "I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here"

"Ice-cream!" Tobi screamed in glee

"Close"

"Gelato?" Tobi asked not as gleeful

"Not _that_ close"

"Just tell us!" Kakusu ordered grabbing Deidara's ass

"What the hell?!" Deidara smacked Kakusu's hand away

"You think that's fucking bad?" Hidan snorted "you try being this fucking good looking" He flipped his hair back "and traveling with that motherfucker"

"We're here because Tenten is pregnant" Pein announced

The entire Akatsuki gasped in terror. But then they realised they didn't really care and went back to being normal.

"So?"

"It's Neji Hyuga's."

The entire Akatsuki gasped in terror again.

"NOT NEJI!" Kakusu wailed "he was meant to be MINE!"

"So what are we suppoused to do about it? Better yet, why do we care?" Konan asked

"Good question!" Hidan commented wrapping his arm around Konan's shoulder "why DO we care?! You're so smart Konan. Bear my children"

Konan was about to say something but was interrupted by Kisame also wrapping his arm around her "that IS a good question! Good on you Konan! If only there were more women like you"

"I can make puppets in all sorts of shapes" Sasori told Konan before his face darkened "all. Sorts."

Pein then kicked Kisami in his flipper, Hidan in his nutsack and didn't kick Sasori. Because he's just too god damn cute. Instead he spanked him.

"Anyway!" Pein continued after finishing off with them "we're going to stay here in Konoha until the baby is born"

"Why? That's nine months down the drain. We could have destroyed villages in that time period!" Deidara objected as Kakusu sniffed his hair

"Because. This child could be the key to world domination"

"Then shouldn't we come AFTER it's born?" Deidara retorted as Kakusu ran a hand through the blondes hair

"You know what Deidara. I honestly don't even know how you got here, or what you're doing here. Seriously. Why don't you take your fucking logic and shove it up your fucking ass?" Pein replied aggressively

"It wouldn't fit" Deidara muttered

"But I would" Kakusu whispered

"What?"

"Nothing"

"Whatever. Alright, everyone put on your sunglasses!"

They all looked at eachother.

"Put. On. Your. Sunglasses"

With a sigh they all pulled sunglasses they had been hiding either in their pockets, their shoes or between their boobs and put them on. The sunglasses where pitch black and made to look badass.

"Kisame. Pump it."

Kisama pulled out his ipod and started playing '_this is why I'm hot'_ by mims.

"And remember to strut like I taught you!" Pein yelled over the music.

**Meanwhile in Konoha…**

"Do you hear that?" Izumo asked startled

"Hear what?" Kotetsu asked sipping leaning back on his chair at the gates of Konoha

"In the distance… it sounds… like rapping"

They both leaned forward to see the front of the gate, the music starting to come in range to the point where it was impossible to hear anything else.

There.

The Akatsuki strut in: Hidan had his hands dug in his pockets. Konan raised a brow at the two shinobi at the gate causing them both to jizz. Deidara nodded at a nine year old girl holding a balloon causing her to gape and let go of her balloon. Tobi wasn't strutting, instead he was skipping (much to Pein's annoyance). Sasori strut to the beat of the song causing a few ladies nearby to '_awe'_ at his cuteness. Kakusu flexed his muscles, got distracted, tripped, and everyone (especially Deidara) walked over him breaking his arms, a leg and two ribs. Kisame smirked causing a few babies to start crying. Pein on the other hand was just strutting in the lead and eyeing all the shinobi.

"I'm so much hotter than her!" Ino's familiar voice bellowed in annoyance "why is every guy jizzing over her?!... Chouji? … Chouji?!"

"Who should I address this to?" Konan asked the shy food lover

"Chouji please…"

Konan scribbed '_Chouji Please'_ and her name on the picture.

The picture was off Konan, she was wearing the Akatsuki jacket but it was open showing her black tight shirt, cupping all the right areas as she had hear hand messily in her hair.

**Meanwhile…**

Tenten sat on the couch in her house with Neji surprisingly nervous next to her. They were at Tenten's parents house, which was exactly why Neji was nervous. No one had ever seen Tenten's parents. What if they were killers? But then again, it _was_ a ninja village.

"I'm here honey!" A familiar voice cooed

Neji's eyes widened in horror.

No way.

There was no way.

Orochimaru skipped in the living room wearing a pink apron and holding a tray of cookies.

"What the fu-"

"You must be Tenten's new boyfriend!" Orochimaru smiled causing Neji to wince "So what's this news you have to tell me?"

"Oh mummy!" Tenten smiled warmly embracing the snake lover in a hug "it's great news!"

Neji was still frozen and couldn't speak. He could only gape at the scene that was taking place infront of him in horror.

"What's wrong?" Tenten looked at Neji "why are you like that?"

Neji looked back and forth between the girl and… Orochimaru

"Explain."

Tenten rolled her eyes "why is every time people meet my mum this happens?! Honestly! Don't even get me started on the parent teacher interviews! I was adopted"

"When?!" Neji exclaimed in terror

"A few days ago"

"…"

Orochimaru interrupted the conversation "you see Neji" he sat down across the Hyuga and crossed his legs comfortably "I've been very lonely these past few years, in need of… love"

"Didn't you molest Sasuke?"

"Don't judge me from my past. Or how I dress. Or my face. Or how I talk. etc"

"…"

"Anyway!" Orochimaru flipped his hair back "I was lonely, and originally looking for a hooker. But there weren't any lose men available, so I had to go in the female section!"

"You're a hooker?!" Neji exclaimed turning his attention to the brunette

"What?" Orochimaru snickered "of course not! She's the pimp"

Tenten nodded digging her hands into the pockets of her large fur coat then adjusting her large golden necklace. How the fuck hadn't he noticed?

"So, anyway… I hired Ino, but she was taking forever to get ready, and I got to talking with Tenten. She admitted how her mother ran out on her to be with Tiger Woods and then moved to Florida after he dumped her, and she didn't know who her dad was. And I explained how hungry I was. One thing led to another, I adopted her. And now she has a mum!"

Neji's eyebrows remained furrowed as he gaped at Tenten's so called '_mother'_

"But seriously, what did you call me here for?"

"I'm pregnant! Mum!" Tenten answered gleefully

Orochimaru was so shocked he dropped his penis "what?! BUT HOW?!"

"He fucked me"

"… What position?"

"Ermahgerd! Mum! You're so embarrassing!" Tenten rolled her eyes "… backwards cowgirl"

"I see…" Orochimaru looked at Neji "well… Obviously you have to marry her"

"We're already engaged"

"WHAT?!" Orochimaru gasped reattaching his penis "WHEN?!"

Tenten rolled her eyes and then kicked Orochimaru in the face "seriously mum… That's none of your business"

"TENTEN! YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!" Orochimaru pointed to the basement

"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"

"Oh my god" Neji buried his face in his hands

**Back to Akatsuki**

"Is this her house…?"

"It looks familiar…"

They stood infront of a house the shape of a snake, on the front door were the words '_no chidori users allowed_'.

"This looks suspicious" Konan pointed out as Hidan nodded his head vigorously in agreement

"What do you think it means?" Sasori asked staring at the mailbox which had Orochimaru's name written on it

"Who knows" Tobi shrugged skipping towards the door before knocking loudly on it "HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"

Everyone gathered around the door and stared impatiently.

The door creaked open, but only enough so you could see an eye. And even then, the person was wearing sunglasses. The Akatsuki members looked intently at the eye before a voice greeted them.

"Yes?"

"Is Tenten there?" Pein asked adjusting his pants

"Maybe. Maybe not"

…

"Alright, I see what has to be done" Hidan pulled out his scythe

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" The voice panicked just as Hidan was about to swing "first. You most solve a riddle"

"A riddle?" Tobi tilted his head to the right "what sort of riddle?"

"Uh…" The voice paused "Hold on"

After a few minutes the eye came back, except this time you could also see a hand and an Iphone5.

"I'm the captain of a ship. There are 38 more people with me on the ship. Suddenly, a tornado comes! A helicopter is called to rescue everybody. 3 people get sucked into the tornado, 5 people lose hope and jump off the ship. 4 people die in pressure. The questions are: 1. How many people are left on the ship? 2. What is the age of the captain?"

"Hold on" Kisame muttered looking for a calculator.

"What are you doing?" Konan asked

"Look for a calculator" Kisame answered as if it was obvious

"In my bra?"

"… They're always where you least expect them"

"1. 27 people are left including you. 2. 13" Tobi answered automatically

Everyone gazed at Tobi in astonishment.

"Th-… That's correct" The voice muttered before opening the door fully.

Orochimaru stood in the doorway wearing the apron.

Surprisngly though, Akatsuki didn't really care. They just walked past him casually except Hidan who took a few pictures on his iphone.

"Kisame?"

"Yeah?"

"Your hands are still in my bra."

"… Can I-"

"GET THEM OFF MY FUCKING TITS!"

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><p><strong>Not a long chapter ;) <strong>

**But I still like it :P **

**Anyway**

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	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys :P**

**I have to say, I was cracking up laughing writing this. This is by far the stupidest thing I've ever written in my life. Maybe that's why I love it so much haha.**

**I know this chapters short but fuck it.**

**Also there are probably loads of grammar/spelling mistakes… but once again... fuck it.**

**Sorry all my fanfictions (which is really only this one and another lol) have been taking long to update, I've been going through phases currently where I'm getting REALLY into bleach and one piece again (mostly one piece) **

**Anyway, u don't really care… lol**

**Here you go~**

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><p>"How did you get in?" Neji started confused<p>

"We solved the riddle"

Neji, Tenten and all the Akatsuki members currently sat in Orochimaru's living room drinking tea, coffee or the blood of his victims (Hidan). The only one who wasn't drinking was Tobi, who was colouring in a picture of a fish with crayons. Kakusu sat in Deidara's lap munching on a pastry. After half an hour trying to get him off his lap Deidara finally gave up and let the money lover sit on his lap.

"Why are you here?" Neji furrowed his eyebrows

"Well, we want to be here to help with the pregnancy" Pein explained crossing his legs "Kisame. Pump it."

Kisame took out his ipod and started playing '_lean on me_'

Pein took out his lighter and waved his other arm as the music played.

"Thanks. But no" Neji glared at the man who had previously destroyed Konoha

How had he gotten in the fucking gates?

"We don't want your help."

"More like _you_ don't want our help" Sasori pointed out cause he hadn't said anything in ages

"_**We**_ don't want your help. Isn't that right tenten- .. Tenten?"

Tenten was too busy staring at Konan, who was sipping her tea with a raised brow and staring back.

"Tenten? Hello?" Neji waved a hand in the pregnant womans face

"Huh? Wha-? Oh. Yeah. Whatever"

"Are you alright?" Neji asked the girl

Tenten was silent for a minute still staring at Konan "I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian…"

Konan wasn't surprised.

She had that effect on many (all) women.

"You're not a fucking lesbian!" Neji was outraged

"Fine!" Tenten rolled her eyes "God…"

…

"Would you be up for a threesome?"

Konan shrugged "sure"

"TENTE- wait really?" Neji turned to Konan

Konan shrugged again "sure" she stood up "let's go"

Hidan was horrified.

**Half a minute later…**

Neji, Tenten and Konan all exited the closet.

"How was it…?" Tobi tilted his head

"It wasn't as good as I expected" Hidan exited the closet behind them holding onto his camera with a glum expression.

"You have an amazing ass" Neji commented

"Thank you" Tenten grinned

"Not you"

"I know" Konan scoffed

"Not you"

"Then who-"

Neji turned to Hidan and winked.

Hidan just stood in horror "that was _**you**_?!"

**Meanwhile at the ramen shop…**

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"Teme"

"Dobe"

"ENOUGH!" a scream echoed through Konoha that day "I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF YOUR GUYS SHIT! LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD! TEME THIS! DOBE THAT! YOU'RE BOTH DRIVING ME CRAZY! WHY CAN'T YOU TWO JUST GET ALONG?!"

"…"

"…"

"…teme…?"

"dobe?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHH HHH!" Sakura grabbed the closest child next to her and smacked Naruto in the face twice with it

Sasuke smirked.

"What the fuck?!" Naruto cried "why didn't HE get smacked?!"

"Because!" Sakura turned to Sasuke "he shall father my children!"

"And that's stopped you?!"

"… You're right"

Sakura grabbed another kid (this time it was fat) and smacked Sasuke in the face with it and stormed off punching a few babies and kicking a few old people on the way.

"Man… What's her problem?" Naruto said after laughing for a few hours at Sasuke

"Hn"

"Maybe she's on her period?" Naruto suggested

"Nah"

"Why not?"

"She usually gives me blow jobs instead when she's on her period"

"…"

"Isn't it obvious?" Kakashi crawled from under the table

"What the fuck?!" Naruto fell of his chair, slid down a hill into a river, swallowed a fish, made love to a mermaid and punched a shark

"What were you doing under the table?!" The Uchiha exclaimed

Anko crawled from under the table naked. She looked at the Uchiha then grabbed Orochimaru's (who was trying to avoid the Akatsuki) clothes off him in a flash covering herself. Orochimaru screamed like a little girl before rushing off naked, covering his nipples.

"Anko? Under the table?" Kakashi rolled his eye

"How come she was the only naked one?"

"I was giving her head"

"Under the fucking table of the fucking ramen shop?!" Naruto stormed in wet dragging seaweed with his feet "THIS IS WHERE I EAT!"

"And this is where I fuck" Kakashi rolled his other eye "get over it"

"What were you saying?" Sasuke ignored the blonde who was drying himself with Orochimaru's hair

The snake lover had come back because had had forgotten his purse. He ran of screaming again, covering his nipples and trying to dry his now wet hair in the wind.

"It's obvious Sakura's jealous" Kakashi explained

Sasuke moaned "Oh my god this again! For fucks sake, I already told her what shampoo and conditioner I use! It's not my fault my hair looks this good!"

"… I don't think that's it… But close"

"WHAT THEN?!" Naruto screamed dramatically "WHAT COULD IT BE?! FOR GODS SAKE! THE AGONY IS KILLING ME- oh the ramen's ready!"

Naruto stole ramen from a dying five year old girl and laughed merrily as he ate it.

The girls eyes narrowed dangerously "… I swear to every god in every religion" she whispered "you will die by my hands Naruto Uzumaki" and with that she faded into fog

"Tenten's pregnant" Kakashi continued "maybe she wants kids too?"

"Like I need any more children" Sasuke muttered

"what?"

"Nothing. Hn. I guess I can knock her up…" Sasuke sighed "I _**do**_ need to revive the clan"

"What if she doesn't want a kid?" Naruto asked

"That's true" Sasuke commented "she already has you"

"Yea- wait! No! I'm not her kid!" Naruto shouted

"Oh yeah?"

_**FLASHBACK**_

"_BUT I WANT IT!" Naruto screamed _

"_No" Sakura looked at Naruto disapprovingly_

"_PLEASE!" Naruto wailed desperately_

"_No"_

_Naruto started crying desperately clinging onto the book 'hamel the lonely camel' "BUT IT LOOKS SO GOOD! I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO HAMEL?!"_

"_Naruto. We're on a mission. For fucks sake put the book back" _

_Naruto flung the book across the shops, took his pants off just to piss Sakura off, threw them at a nearby cat and ran off crying._

_**END OF FLASHBACK**_

"it took us ten hours to find him… Turned out he was playing hopscotch with a bunch of third grade girls"

"For ten hours?"

"You're surprised?"

Kakashi was silent, not really sure how to respond to that.

Naruto frowned before taking off his pants "FUCK YOU TEME!" threw them at a nearby cat and ran off laughing/crying

"… How many times has he done that?" Kakashi asked after a minute

"I didn't used to know how many different cats there were in Konoha until now" Sasuke answered in a monotone

**Back to Neji and Tenten**

"So it's agreed then?" Tenten asked

"Yep" All the Akatsuki members nodded

"If the kid is a transvestite, gay or ugly. You keep him"

"What wait?" Neji stopped tweeting about his threesome

"Bye" Tenten waved

* * *

><p>Sakura opened the door to her house with a sigh.<p>

She turned on the lights with a sigh.

She took of her coat with a sigh.

She-

"You called?"

"WHAT THE FUCK SAI HOW DID YOU GET IN?!" Sakura shrieked throwing her vase at him

Luckily he sensed bad furniture and instantly dodged causing it to smash against the wall. No one would miss that vase.

"You kept on sighing, I thought that was my cue-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Sai sighed **(AN: lol) **"and to think my penis app would already be downloaded by now if-"

"GET OUT!"

Once Sai was out Sakura fought the urge to sigh.

She felt bad for cracking it at Sasuke and Naruto… Maybe hitting them with children was a bitch much, but she couldn't help it. They had been annoying her so much the last few days, and she hadn't even gotten her period!

The truth was the only reason she was getting so angry at them was because she was jealous. And not just because of Sasuke's silky hair (seriously! He had to have some sort of secret), but because Tenten had gotten so far as to be engaged with Neji Hyuga. While Sakura was still only sleeping with Sasuke, I mean sure she could do what Tenten did and get knocked up and force him into marriage. But was the really worth all the poking holes in the condoms?

Not to mention Hinata and Naruto were already a thing.

Why was everyone getting dick but Sakura?!

Well… she was getting dick… but still!

Suddenly she heard whispering.

"Do it"

"but-"

"I'll get you fucking ramen"

"fine!"

Sakura looked around with a 'what the fuck?' expression when all the lights turned off.

Suddenly music started echoing through the house, it was '_let's talk about sex baby'_ by salt n pepa.

Sasuke came out wearing nothing but a hat.

Not on his head.

"Sakura!" Naruto said in a surprisingly emotionless voice into a mike that appeared from god knows where "will you…"

Sakura's eyes brightened

"bear Sasuke's children?"

Sakura paused.

And then condoms started raining down from the ceilings and dancers came from nowhere throwing nappies at her.

Sakura sighed

"if you call me one more time-" Sai paused "Sasuke-kun…" his eye's widened "your penis… it's so…"

"GET OUT SAI!"

After a few minutes of sex making, Sakura gave up and decided to become a lesbian. Sasuke not at all effected by this shrugged, called Tayuya and Kin and had a threesome in the shower. Naruto spent the rest of the week searching for the mermaid in case he might've knocked her up. Neji still questioned Tenten about the agreement they made with Akatsuki. Orochimaru still ran around Konoha covering his nipples and crying/screaming. To this day if you're really quiet, you can hear his screams…

Little did they know, something strange was reckoning not too far away…

Find out what.

In the next chapter of –_when a man loves a woman starts playing_- Tenten's pregnancy glow!

* * *

><p><strong>R<strong>

**E**

**V**

**I**

**E**

**W**


	8. Chapter 8

**I haven't posted anything in awhile.**

**So yeah, lots of spelling mistakes and stuff.**

**ANY GoT FANS PLEASE BEWARE THERE ARE SPOILERS. SO ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

**Hope you enjoy lmao**

**Make sure review**

* * *

><p>"I just don't understand" Neji complained<p>

"For god's sake, why shouldn't my mother be the godfather of our baby?" Tenten exclaimed in annoyance

"Because your mother is Orochimaru" Neji hissed

"Oh, _wahhtevah_" Tenten rolled her eyes and elbowing Neji into a bin

"What did I say about acting like we're in a teen movie?" Neji narrowed his eyes while crawling out of the bin and peeling a banana peel off his knee

"Only on birthdays" Tenten muttered annoyingly

The couple walked through Konoha discussing godparents. The godmother title was a close tie between Sakura and Hinata, the couple had decided they would hold a battle to the deaths round hosted by Anko with various tests and killing challenges to decide between the two. As for the godfather, well, Tenten wanted Orochimaru and Neji wanted anyone that hadn't molested Sasuke. So that pretty much ruled out half the village.

As they were passing through Konoha, and making their way closer to the training grounds, they suddenly started to hear yelling and '_hn_'ing. Tenten and Neji raised a brow at eachother, turned back towards the direction they had been heading and cautiously walked onwards into team seven's training grounds. Naruto was tied to the ground while Sasuke sat over him holding a bowl of ramen and chopsticks with a poker face.

"Say uncle" The Uchiha commanded in his sexy voice causing a few squirrels nearby to orgasm so suddenly and unexpectedly midway through climbing that they let go and hurdled to their deaths

"_NEVER!_" Naruto screamed causing a girl nearby to start crying

Sasuke smirked then took a few noodles with the chopsticks and slowly threw them.

Naruto's eyes widened in slow motioned horror, watching the noodle separate from the chopstick while 'die hard' theme music played in the background. The noodle flew through the air twisting and twirling until it started to plummet, another noodle (female) looked out of the bowl with tears streaming down her face, screaming the noodles name. John. Some drops of the liquid in the ramen flew of the noodle in haste, as if trying to escape their own death. Then slowly but surely, the noodle collided with the ground, with such force that Konoha still feels the shake of that noodle. Slowly, it was the first end of the noodle that made contact with the cold, dirty ground. If you looked closely enough you could see the noodle was screaming and crying out to its family in the rest of the bowl. But the crying stopped as soon as the rest of the noodle fell, breaking the noodles neck. It could feel no pain as the rest of its limp body fell victim. Until it was just a dirty, limp, helpless, dead, flavourless, noodle on the ground. John was dead.

"YOU BASTARD!" Naruto screamed helplessly as tears slid down his face and he struggled to get out of the ropes holding him down "HAVE YOU NO MERCY?! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!"

"Hn"

"That's not a word"

"Hn"

"Huh"

"Hn"

"Heh"

"Ho"

"Hee"

"Huu"

"Hiii"

"HELLLPP"

"Naruto shut up, we're having a hn contest"

"NEJI" Tenten screamed accusingly "NO MORE HN CONTESTS!"

"Bu-"

"NO"

Sasuke smirked.

"Whatever, Uchiha."

"Hyuga."

"UZUMAKI!" Naruto screamed helplessly

Suddenly something in Neji's head clicked as he looked at the two shinobi atop of each other on the ground.

"You two"

They looked.

"How would you like to be the godfather of our child?" Neji asked

Tenten looked in horror at Neji "THEM?!"

"You want Orochimaru as the godfather, and you're complaining about _them_"

"Orochimaru—

"Molested Sasuke."

"It's true" Sasuke spoke "Puberty wasn't easy for me with him around…"

**Flashback**

_The Uchiha sat at the lair of the infamous Orochimaru. He was in the hall when Orochimaru made his entrance, wearing a black cloak covering his entire body. What was he hiding? Kabuto poked his head out from a door and glanced at Sasuke provocatively before hiding back. The 14 year old looked at the old man._

"_Sasssuukkkee-kunnn" Orochimaru hissed_

"_No"_

"_Don't you want poweerrrssss?" _

_He said nothing_

_Orochimaru's eyes glinted as he smiled "Kabuto. Bring it out"_

_Kabuto walked out wearing a white mankini holding lotion and a frilly bikini._

_Orochimaru took of his cloak revealing a leather dress "to the fireplace…"_

**End of Flashback**

Sasuke shuddered "I'll never look at a fireplace the same way again…"

"What?"

"Hn"

"WAIT" Naruto shouted "HOW CAN WE _BOTH_ BE THE GODFATHER?!"

"You can't… Hinata and Sakura are already fighting eachother to the death for the title, its only fit both of you should do the same" Neji answered in a monotone

Naruto gaped while Sasuke's eyes widened slightly.

They both looked at each other then back at Neji.

"Sakura and Hinata… are having a girl on girl fight… and you DIDN'T TELL US?!" Naruto yelled

"Where are they having it?" Sasuke asked instantly

"In the river, why?" Tenten spoke this time

Naruto's mouth hit the floor.

Sasuke was speechless.

"Of course they're having it in the river, who doesn't like getting wet? Of course they don't want to get their clothes dirty so they're wearing bathing suits. Personally I don't think they'll put out though, they're so unstable and stringy and small. Plus the oil they rubbed on themselves won't exactly help— HEY! WHERE ARE YOU BOTH RUNNING TO?!"

"Tenten, was that really necessary?"

"Of course, I can't wait to see them fight it out for the godfather title!"

Neji glanced at the brunette "You were against it a second ago"

"Yes. But Sakura and Hinata are in bathing suits, oiled up, in the water, half naked battling it out and half of the time on top each other"

"… So?"

"When Naruto and Sasuke battle it out. They'll have to do the _same_"

"I didn't realise you were a yaoi fangirl"

"I used to have a penis too"

"What?"

"Never mind. That's a story for when after we're married"

"..."

**Meanwhile…**

The Akatsuki members sat around the large tables forced together in the restaurant, it was the only way everyone could sit together. Kakusu had been forced to sit on a small table by himself somewhat afar from everyone else. Pein had forced him to go sit there after he had gotten sick of hearing Kakusu's constant come on's towards Deidara. Deidara laughed for a few hours at that, Pein got so sick of it eventually he ended up sending Deidara to the same table. It had taken both Hidan and Sasori's entire strength to drag the desperate blonde away from the table and to Kakusu.

Tobi sat poking his bowl of icecream with a fork. Konan had objected to the fork idea, but after Tobi had told her how her life was meaningless and the man she loved was dead leaving her to only cling onto his false body with another poor boy she friendzoned inside it. She let him use the fork.

Konan was between Obito and Pein, eating her pasta nonchalantly. Pein was drawing faces into his spaghetti, Hidan next to him was mashing his mashed potatoes as if his god depended on it. Sasori was making shapes with his pretzels while Kisame next to him was sipping his fish soup up with a straw.

"Okay" Pein started "we have to get straight to matters"

They all looked at him, Kisame looked so suddenly some of the soup burst out of his nose like a fountain.

"I have something to admit" Pein spoke

"You're gay!" Hidan burst confidenently

"Did someone say _gaaaay_?" Kakusu appeared from behind a trollie holding Deidara by his pinky toe.

"Pay up fish face!" Hidan roared

Kisame grunted and pulled out some naughty mermaid magazines with ariel on the cover, opened them to the last page and pulled out a hundred dollars.

"Get BACK to your table Kakusu!" Pein growled dangerously

"Hmph" Kakusu pouted and slowly crawled back to his table

Once he was gone Pein turned to hidan and pimp slapped him viciously "I'm not gay"

Hidan was so surprised he threw his money to the air just when a seagull flew into the restaurant; it caught the money and flew out shitting on Kisame's face in the process.

"Anyway" Pein sighed sitting down

Suddenly Konan whipped him in the face with her napkin

"What was that for?!" Pein exclaimed

"You had something on your face" Konan stated going back to her pasta

Pein ignored the woman and face the rest of the group "as I was saying…"

"Obito is a good boy!"

"What?" They looked at Tobi

"I-I mean… T-TOBI! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi stuttered "Look Kakusu's eating a penis"

"What?"

They all looked around but the only thing Kakusu was eating was Deidara's soul.

"I have something to admit" Pein went back to the subject at hand and continued before Hidan could speak "Tenten's pregnancy is not why we're here"

Konan looked in horror at Pein "Then why?"

"We're going to destroy Konoha" Pein's eyes narrowed "from the inside out"

….

"Didn't you already try that last time?" Sasori asked

"Yes, we're trying it again"

"Oh. So it's _**we**_ know"

"He fails once and suddenly it's '_**we**_'"

"WHO'S THE SUGAR DADDY?!" Pein exclaimed angrily

Sighs echoed around the table "You are"

"Say it!"

"You're our sugar daddy" They all replied/muttered

"Alright" Sasori stood up smacking Kisame's soup in the process and almost drowning him "What's your plan this time? You always do this. What about that Haruno girl? The one that killed him? If it wasn't you using the philosophers stone on me I would be dead in the ground. So I'll serve you, sure. But you better have a good fucking plan or I will shove my bony—

"Philosophers stone?" Konan interrupted inquiringly

"I leapt through dimension to full metal alchemist, to a philosophers stone and brought back Sasori"

"Why didn't you bring back Itachi?" Kisame whined

"He betrayed us, remember?" Pein rolled his eyes "besides, with him here I have no chance with any of the women"

"You have a chance with_ me_?" Konan spoke

"Don't be stupid Konan, I've known you since we were kids"

Konan was trapped firmly in the friend zone. It's probably why she turned lesbian.

"Sasori's right" Deidara spoke "What's your plan, Pein?"

Pein looked strangely at the blonde "how the fuck did you get here?"

"I don't wanna talk about it" Deidara said tightening his large jacket that hadn't been there before and looked oddly familiar to Kakusu's

"Seriously though, what's your plan?!" Hidan asked over dramatically

"Well. We're going to …"

…

"To…?"

"SHUT UP LET ME THINK!" Pein slammed his fist on the table

"You didn't consider this?!" Hidan screamed "WHAT THE FUCK MAN?! YOU'RE SUPPOUSED TO BE OUR SUGAR DADDY!"

Pein messaged the bridge of his nose "I am! I just… I… I don't know man" Pein started to get teary "I've just been so out of it lately"

"Are you okay..?" Deidara asked hesitantly

"I just don't know what I'm fighting for anymore, man" Pein cried "this used to be so easy"

All the other Akatskui members looked hopelessly at one another.

"What's wrong, Pein?" Kisama asked slowly

"I…I…"

"It's Game of Thrones, isn't it?" Konan asked with a sigh

**(AN: any GoT fans that don't want spoilers. I STRONGLY suggest you skip this part)**

Pein sobbed viciously into the table "YES!"

"What happened?"

"I finished book three!"

"Oh god" Konan sighs "You should know by now, George R. R Martin kills everyone"

"I didn't think he would go so far!"

"What happened?" Kakusu asked

"NO!" Hidan stood up viciously throwing the bowl of soup at a nearby waitress killing her "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF BLOODY PEOPLE LIKE YOU! I'M WATCHING GAME OF THRONES TOO, OKAY?! IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK TO NOT HAVE A FUCKING SPOILER EVERY NOW AND THEN?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GO ON TUMBLR!? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOUTUBE! EVERYONES FUCKING COMMENTED THIS AND THAT AND WHO DIES AND WHO GETS WITH THAT. LIKE SERIOUSLY. HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT! IF I COULD KILL THEM ALL BY THE POWER OF JASHIN I WOULD!"

"Hidan, are you on your period?"

"YES. BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I'M SO PISSED"

"Well brace yourself!" Pein flipped the table hitting Hidan in the face "Because I'm going to spoil it for you!"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Hidan moaned in horror

**(AN: I warned you. stahp)**

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PEIN!" Hidan screamed "DON'T YOU DARE!"

"What the fuck is happening?" Whispered Sasori in shock

"I have no idea" Kisame retorted "what the fuck is Game of Thrones?"

"Some other wordly crap" Konan shrugged with a sigh

"Oh?"

"Yep" Konan nodded "Cersei Lannister ftw"

"Ygritte dies!" Pein shouted

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hidan screamed viciously

"Tysha wasn't a whore!"

Hidan sobbed trying to kill himself

"Shea betrayed Tyrion!"

Hidan killed another waitress in despair

"I COULD GO ON HIDAN. I COULD GO THE FUCK ON!" Pein screamed

"PLEASE NO MORE!" Hidan cried "HAVE MERCY"

"DID WALDER FREY HAVE MERCEY WHEN HE _**KILLED**_ ROBB AND CATELYN?!" Pein screamed

Hidan froze with widened eyes "R-… Robb…?"

"YES!... Yes..!" Pein knelt across from Hidan with suddenly saddened eyes "Robb…"

Hidan looked tearfully at Pein.

Pein looked back just as tearfully.

"Brother…?" Hidan whispered

A tear slid down Peins cheek "…I know… I know…"

Konan sighed "literally nothing was accomplished"

"I know" Sasori agreed as Hidan and Pein sobbed into each other's arms mournfully.

Konan suddenly collapsed clutching her stomach violently, she had a pained look on her face. Cringing as Sasori tried to help her back up.

"What's going on?" Pein and Hidan stopped hugging and looked at the woman

"My…My…"

"What?" Kisame held her

"My Uterus feels like it's gonna burst"

"Wut?"

"I thought you already peed" Hidan said with a raised brow

"My _Uterus_. Not my fucking BLADDER" Konan replied

"What's the difference?"

Pein whispered something in Hidan's ear

"Oh…Oh…OHH…OOOOOOHHH! EWWWWWWWWWWW" Hidan's face was full of digust as Pein stopped whispered

"Period pains?" Sasori suggested

"Yep"

"Wow" Kakusu stated "looks like I came just in time"

**Back to Naruto and Sasuke**

"They're gone!" Naruto wailed in the river

"We came too late" Sasuke stated annoyed

Naruto slammed his face into a rock

"Hn"

Something suddenly caught the Uchiha's eye "what's this?"

"What's wha—

Naruto's eyes widened in shock as the Uchiha pulled out a skimpy top half of a bikini from the water.

Sasuke gaped motionlessly at it "…"

"We came too late! DAMN IT! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

"Idiot. Without me we wouldn't even be here"

"TEME"

"dobe"

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"dobe"

"TEME"

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Naruto's lost his voice and Sasuke lost his sanity.

* * *

><p><strong>R<strong>

**E**

**V**

**I**

**E**

**W**


End file.
